I have no friends. I have acquaintances. But I have no friends.

Many people define friends as those who you can rely in in times of need. I have lots of those. I can make a phone call and get help from many people I know.

But my definition of a friend is someone I can confide in. Someone I have regular contact with. I have none of those.

Much of that stared with COVID, my husband’s cancer, and my father’s death, all of which happened within months of each other.. At that time, I pulled inward because I was dealing with a lot in my own life. And, rather than reach out, I moved inward. And I lost my friends.

I stopped keeping in regular touch with people. I stopped reaching out to see how they were doing. I was having enough trouble coping with my own situation that I couldn’t cope with others’ traumas.

I also realized something with this behavior: With most people, I was the one making the effort. If I didn’t make the phone call, none was made. If I didn’t organize the event, then nothing happened. It was exhausting and, going through my own trauma, I didn’t have the energy to make the effort.

Now I have no friends.